Disclaimer: Hello again! I’ve been MIA for a while, but I’m now unemployed and therefore very capable of posting every week. Plus I missed your anonymous faces.
While I was on OkCupid, I had this deep fear that someone I knew would come across my profile. Not because I was embarrassed to be on OkCupid, but because I didn’t want them to see what I looked like in desperate “I hope you find me attractive” mode (ew, gross). In person, both in dating and platonic situations, I feel like I come across as fairly normal, nice, and reserved. If you met me in person you probably wouldn’t guess that a peen has touched my b-hole. On the internet though, probably because of the anonymity, I come across as a crazy, self-deprecating, loud-mouthed motherfucker who has definitely had her b-hole breached by a peen.
This does not translate well to online dating. Not surprisingly, I’m bad at selling myself as someone you could potentially see as a date. My self-deprecating sensibility combined with my concerning habit of telling the world about my most embarrassing, horrific moments hasn’t snagged me a bunch of winners. Case-in-point, the OkCupid profile I crafted last year. Then-Carly thought this thing was a fucking piece of genius. Now-Carly is slightly wiser.
I present to you my annotated OkCupid profile, which was written with the actual belief that it would attract normal, wonderful human beings.
Brought to you by OkCupid and a year of being single.