Tag Archives: comedy

The Demon Stain

This week has truly been a failure of adulting.

A week ago I decided to actually pay real money to a real gym (I have never done this before in my life) and take exercise classes in an attempt to look less like an amorphous blob and more like something that has, I don’t know, curves? A general shape? I’ve so far taken three intense classes in one week and managed to both gain weight and discover that my arms are weaker than noodles. (The exercise coach kept demanding the girls use a minimum of 15 pound weights, meanwhile I’m huddled in the corner barely lifting my measly 8 pounder wishing it was a quarter pounder, if you know what I mean). Not only that, I’m so sore it hurts to walk downstairs, upstairs, and on level surfaces.

These exercise classes have ruined my life in more ways than one. After the second class,  I changed into my work clothes and realized I forgot to bring clean underwear. I was forced to wear sweat-soaked, olfactory-sense-killing, weirdly stained underwear the rest of the day. (The day went by without anyone mentioning the smell or fainting in my presence, which I considered a victory). When I got home, I discovered that the deodorant I had thrown in my backseat after working out had melted in the extreme heat and left a large stain on the upholstery of my car. My 6-month-old leased car.  My 6-month-old leased car that my dad helped pay for. The same dad who is coming to visit me in a week and who will ride in my car and inevitably find the stain as parents are wont to do and will be forever disappointed. I have already cried in the car, begging the stain to go away and feeling in general like a stain on planet Earth. My boyfriend (bless his heart) has since hired a car cleaner who specifically deals with stains that will disappoint your parents — the guy set to work this morning and is still trying to scrub the stain out as I type this. He is baffled by the tenacity of the stain and is going to come back on Tuesday with new and stronger chemicals. It is assumed to be a demon stain of an unknown variety.

To top it off, we have a high school intern at work who I keep trying to impart wisdom on, hoping she won’t notice the way I’m hobbling around from being too sore, or the fact that my underwear smells like I shit in it and then fermented it and then wore it for a week straight, or the fact that I have a weird stain in my backseat. We were picking up lunch the other day and I was doing my civic duty of teaching her how much wiser I am because I have lived seven more years than her, when she points out that a meter maid is giving me a ticket TWO MINUTES after the meter expired. As I tried to fight it, he shrugged and said, “Once I start writing the ticket, I can’t stop.” The intern gave me a look that said, “If I’m doing this much better than you and I’m only in high school, I’m gonna be a millionaire by your age.” Too right, intern. Too right.

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The Exhilarating Game of Poop Chicken

Hi internet friends. I missed all of you. I missed blogging. I missed that anonymous net of support that comes when something really embarrassing happens to me and I get to tell all of you about it. Here’s a silly story to get back into the swing of things.

The other day I picked up lunch for my office (I now have a job where my main responsibility is to make sure everyone gets fed) from Tender Greens. The drive over, I felt a poop coming on and knew this was a great opportunity to do my business far away from the confines of our tiny office space. I had a plan going in:

Step 1. Go to the bathroom and poop.
Step 2. Pay for and pick up the food.
Step 3. Leave, feeling like a champion.

I entered the bathroom and discovered it was empty, which is great because otherwise I couldn’t have carried out step 1 (see this post for a detailed list of my pooping conditions). I slipped into the stall and settled in, elated at the thought of relieving myself. And then, the dreaded sound — some goddamn bastard walked into the bathroom and seated herself in the stall next to me. Okay, this isn’t the worst, I thought, annoyed. I’ll just wait it out until she leaves, and then proceed with step 1. So I waited. And waited. And finally realized that this girl had the same plan I had and we were now locked into a game of Poop Chicken. Intrigued and horrified at the same time, I lasted thirty heroic seconds before sucking my poop further back into my lower intestine, flushing the toilet, and shamefully leaving my stronger opponent to her well-deserved business.

At the counter, I paid for and checked all the food, and then had to awkwardly hand all of the food back to the cashier so I could use the bathroom. I’m sure she thought I was an idiot for not going before getting all the food, but if only she knew about my close call only moments before… Step 2 complete, I retreated to the bathroom and triumphantly discovered it to be vacated once again. I sat down on the familiar toilet (hello, old friend) and with the comfort that comes with being completely alone, I let that poop flow out of me like honey. It felt liberating. I almost enjoyed it, until — SPLASH! I whipped my head to the stall next to me and heard the telltale noises of a pooper. I nearly fainted. Some sneak had been hiding in a stall and avoided my vacancy check. And now we were pooping simultaneously. Someone in LA now knows that I poop. Terrified, I performed a cursory wipe before properly finishing and darted out of the bathroom. I grabbed all the food from the confused cashier and ran to the car, uncomfortably feeling the effects of a poorly executed wipe. Once back at the office, I had to inform my colleagues that we can never go back to Tender Greens and no, I will not be taking any questions about it.

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What Sadistic Bastard Invented Eyebrow Threading

I’ve been ping-ponging the decision for months whether or not to get my eyebrows threaded. Half of me really didn’t want to because I’ve done it once before and it felt like someone was lighting a match by striking it against my eyebrow hair. The other half of me was egged on by my mother (who loves pointing out my excessive hair) and Man Friend (who called my eyebrows “interesting”, which we all know is code for “horrifying”). After staring in the mirror one fateful Friday and seeing this reflection:06-eagle

Source via

…I decided to make an appointment at a threading salon.

On the way there, I felt as if I was heading to my execution and took some steps to calm myself down. First, I imagined Coach Taylor, taking a knee, waxing some inspirational mantra along the lines of “Clear eyes, full hearts, thin eyebrows.” Then I queued up a podcast on my phone so I could listen to it and hopefully distract myself from the pain. Desperately, I hoped it would either be super busy in the salon and no one would pay attention to me, or I would be the only patron so strangers couldn’t watch my humiliation. The worst would be a small handful of people waiting for their turn who have nothing to do but sit around and watch me cry with static-y pop music mocking me in the background. Which, of course, is exactly how it turned out.

I wish I could say it didn’t hurt at all and I didn’t cry and my body didn’t spasm every time the thread came for me and my podcast successfully distracted me. Alas, twas not the case. Not to mention my pain and embarrassment were heightened by the threader lady smirking at me every time she ripped out some hairs. After what felt like years in Hell I was finally released to look at my reddening eyebrows in the mirror. I didn’t see any difference. How can it be possible that she spent twenty minutes delivering excruciating pain to my face and yet I couldn’t tell the difference?! Okay, maybe there was a slight difference. I guess my eyebrows went from the picture above to this:

eugenelevy438

Source via

I HATE that women are expected to look a certain way and do certain things, especially because I think I’m mentally too weak to return every week (my hair grows back so fast you’d think I’m taking Rogaine). After getting home and attempting to forget the traumas from earlier, I gave myself an impassioned speech about how women shouldn’t conform to society’s beauty standards and if I fucking wanted to avoid weekly pain and keep my hairy eyebrows then I deserved to look like Sam the Eagle and not be looked at weird! One week later I noticed some hair growing back around my eyebrows and immediately made another appointment at the salon. One day, I will stop caring. Until then, I will embrace the smirks from the threader lady and weep quietly into my pillow while admiring my Eugene Levy eyebrows.

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The Cliché Post About How It’s Okay To Not Have Everything Figured Out at 22 Except Is It Really Okay?!! Oh God, Someone Employ Me!

I am currently unemployed, which is a terrible, terrifying thing. As someone who has been working at least part-time since she was 13, finding myself suddenly in the absence of a cash flow has been a black hole of despair. I mean, I guess unemployment is scary for anyone, but for me, an over-achiever with anal parents and an impeccable grade history, being unemployed at 22 and unable to get even an assistant job in the industry I want…well, let’s just say my parents would take it better if I told them I was pregnant and Carrot Top was the father. To put it bluntly, I feel like a loser and am constantly plagued with thoughts like, What if I never get another job ever again? What if I have to abandon my dream of writing and fall on my backup plan of becoming a zookeeper? What if I’m a bad zookeeper? What if I have to move in with my mother? Who will show up to my funeral?? And from there it’s a quick hop and a jump to writing my will. Man Friend says I’m being too hard on myself, so I put together a list of pros and cons to prove to him that I’m not being hard on myself, my life is, in fact, shit:

Pro: I have time to work on my writing
Con: By “writing” I mean “browse Facebook and envy those more employable than me”

Pro: I have time to do household errands
Con: This means spending all the money I have left on things like finally getting my car’s steering wheel to stop listing to the left, buying art for our all-white-mental-hospital walls, and adopting a cat (no really, I adopted a cat)

Pro: I have time to network with people
Con: A friend who is writing on a show introduced me to the other writers and when they asked what show I was writing for, I had to respond with, “Oh, I’m actually just…developing from home…”

Pro: I have more time to exercise
Con: I have more time to lament about the current state of my life

Pro: I have time to submit article ideas to websites I love
Con: They don’t like my article ideas

Pro: I have time to keep the house clean and cook more
Con: When Boyfriend comes home and the house looks like a war zone and we’re having leftovers for dinner, I can’t exactly pretend my day was productive

Pro: I have the ability to take a job on last-minute notice
Con: No is offering me a job on last-minute notice

The good news is I just found out I got an internship on the Warner Bros lot. The bad news is it’s unpaid and I’ll be the only college-graduate intern, which basically means my life is now a Vince Vaughn/Owen Wilson comedy. Here’s to hoping in twenty years I can joke about that stint I was an unemployed 22-year-old intern while lounging in my mansion surrounded by thirty cats.

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Lessons Learned: Never Leave the House When You Have a Crusty Zit

Friday night was one of those nights where I should’ve stayed in but instead I went out. My hair was greasy (I hadn’t showered in three days), I hadn’t shaved my moustache or chin, I wore workout clothes (even though I don’t remember the last time I worked out), my sweatshirt had a stain with an unknown origin on the front, and I had a giant zit on my chin (not even the small, forgivable, red kind; it was the angry, crusty kind because I had been picking at it). Man Friend was even like, “Hey, it’s totally cool if you want to stay in and order pizza and not embarrass yourself”. I should’ve listened. Instead, I fixated on eating at this new dinner place that serves bacon grilled cheese with a cracked egg on top because I am determined to get fatter in addition to already having crusty zits.

We got to the restaurant around 9 PM because it took me two hours to decide whether or not to stay in or go out and let the public see me in this state. When we finally arrived, starving and broken, the hostess had the nerve to tell us it was going to be a 45-minute wait. Dreams crushed, we decide to walk around and find another option. THREE RESTAURANTS LATER (one said they were open on Yelp when clearly they weren’t, one only served coffee and pastries, and the other also said they were open on Yelp when they clearly weren’t — Is this some kind of joke to you, Koreatown?! Do you enjoy tricking hungry Yelp users into coming to your closed restaurant?!!), we ended up back at the initial bacon-grilled-cheese-egg-on-top restaurant just in time for our name to be called. And that’s when I saw him. I was standing outside the restaurant trying to look like a patron as opposed to a homeless person when I saw Kyle (my Freshman crush whose nose I broke) walking towards me. In a moment of brilliant immaturity, I covered my face in my arms and face-planted onto the table. If he had called my name I wouldn’t have put it past myself to just cover my ears and yell “I can’t hear you!” My mentally-ill-homeless-person disguise must have either fooled him or scared him because he didn’t approach me.

I immediately found Man Friend and 1) told him the dramatic backstory and 2) gave him the once-over because all of a sudden he represented how much I was succeeding in life. He didn’t look much better than me. Man Friend responded by A) saying Kyle looked like a douche and B) not giving a shit about any of this. Feeling like our stomachs were about to eat themselves, we decided to stay in the restaurant and eat the meal, but not until I made Man Friend switch places with me so that I wasn’t in direct eyeline of anyone walking in (i.e. Kyle). I nervously scanned the restaurant, dreading when the waitress would seat him, and didn’t calm down until the tables on either side of us were filled because if Kyle was seated next to us I would have died an extremely painful death and brought the whole restaurant with me. Kyle walked in with a guy (AKA not a supermodel with a vagina AKA THANK YOU FOR SMALL MIRACLES) and was seated two tables over from us. This is when I experienced a series of what-ifs. What If, when Man Friend asked me to stay in, I had responded with, “YES, I will stay in and not terrify the rest of the world with what I look like right now.” What If I had groomed myself before going out? What If I had decided to eat out quicker and we left two hours earlier? It would have been so easy. But no, I had to have that bacon-grilled-cheese-with-an-egg-on-top because if I know anything about myself, it’s that food comes before dignity.

I simultaneously shoved half the grilled cheese in my mouth and asked for the check. Man Friend was disappointed he couldn’t eat more. I walked out of that restaurant so fast I think I may have actually burned a calorie. If Kyle saw me, he didn’t say anything. Briefly, as I was speed-walking away, I wondered if I should’ve said something to him if only to have a good blog post to write about. I quickly came to my senses. Am I really at that point in my life where I would willingly go up to a former crush with a crusty zit on my face just to get a good blog post? No. No, I’m not. (Give it a week or two).

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My OKCupid Profile, for Your Amusement

Disclaimer: Hello again! I’ve been MIA for a while, but I’m now unemployed and therefore very capable of posting every week. Plus I missed your anonymous faces.

While I was on OkCupid, I had this deep fear that someone I knew would come across my profile. Not because I was embarrassed to be on OkCupid, but because I didn’t want them to see what I looked like in desperate “I hope you find me attractive” mode (ew, gross). In person, both in dating and platonic situations, I feel like I come across as fairly normal, nice, and reserved. If you met me in person you probably wouldn’t guess that a peen has touched my b-hole. On the internet though, probably because of the anonymity, I come across as a crazy, self-deprecating, loud-mouthed motherfucker who has definitely had her b-hole breached by a peen.

This does not translate well to online dating. Not surprisingly, I’m bad at selling myself as someone you could potentially see as a date. My self-deprecating sensibility combined with my concerning habit of telling the world about my most embarrassing, horrific moments hasn’t snagged me a bunch of winners. Case-in-point, the OkCupid profile I crafted last year. Then-Carly thought this thing was a fucking piece of genius. Now-Carly is slightly wiser.

I present to you my annotated OkCupid profile, which was written with the actual belief that it would attract normal, wonderful human beings.

OKCupid Profile_Annotated

Brought to you by OkCupid and a year of being single.

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So I Guess Hairy Legs Aren’t Sexy?

I’m not quiet about the fact that my leg hair and I have a rocky relationship, which can mostly be summed up by me doing everything short of plucking each individual hair out and my hair going “Fuck you and fuck your mother”, and then promptly growing back in the next two hours. Understandably, I’ve given up on this endless war and have resorted to shaving my legs on a schedule that depends on the weather. For example, if it’s cold and rainy, I won’t shave. If it’s sunny, I won’t shave. So basically, I don’t shave. If I do, it’s because I woke up super motivated to be an adult for the day and after shaving will proceed to clean my room and do laundry. So, like, once a month.

A couple weeks ago, my man friend and I were making out on his bed and when we realized where it was headed, we both stopped to quickly assess if we had accomplished enough personal hygiene for the day to be seen naked. A quick sniff and a fond memory of my last shower, I decided I was good to go. “So, shower after?” he asked. I nodded and we resumed where we left off. I pulled off my jeans and he grabbed my legs and suddenly paused. “Actually, let’s shower now.” “What? Why?” “It’s just… it’s a little… prickly right now.” I felt my face get hot, and then, oh the horror!, I started leaking embarrassing tears probably because I’m horribly insecure and his dislike of my physical appearance confirmed my worst nightmares. But that’s just a guess. Before he knew what was happening my furry legs and I ran into the bathroom and started shave-sobbing.

The more I shave-sobbed, the more my anger built, and with each stroke of the Razor of Justice, I spewed a rant through the bathroom door that included some, if not all, of the following statements: Who the hell do you think you are? Don’t you know what feminism is?! I don’t get turned off by your body hair! You’ve been tricked by the social beauty construct! Society! Big Brother! What about the hippies?! How do female Yetis get laid?! It was then that the angry/conflicted texting to my sister began. ME: So Man Friend basically told me he’d rather I shave my legs before sex and I can’t decide if I’m really really pissed at him or if that’s a valid opinion. SISTER: Well, it’s a socialized opinion. I mean, we shave our armpits and legs and pubic hair because we’re taught that women are only sexy when they’re hairless. ME: I FUCKING know that. (I’m a douchebag-know-it-all when I’m mad). SISTER: I know. So it’s hard to fight against socialized preferences. You can for sure but it’s uphill.

We exchanged some “Ugh, society” texts for a while and after we were done I started to feel better. And I realized something. Society aside, I want to make my partner happy. I definitely make him do certain things for me because I like it (for example, I love when he doesn’t cut his hair too short and whispers sports facts to me), so if he wants me to shave my legs, then by golly I’ll shave my legs. As long as he doesn’t say anything about the bushiness of my eyebrows, because I am NOT enduring the public humiliation and pain of getting my eyebrows plucked in the middle of busy mall again. No fucking way.

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Cause Baby Now We’ve Got Bad Breath

A couple weeks ago at work I got so busy that I literally had no time to eat anything. My stomach, normally accustomed to snacks every minute or so, was freaking the fuck out. When I finally returned to the office after running errands, I grabbed the first edible thing I could find: Mustard and Onion chips. Seeing as it was 5 PM and they were the first thing I had eaten all day, they tasted like freedom, or early retirement, or Zac Efron’s nipples. I ate a bag and a half before dusting myself off and retreating to my desk, where my horrified coworkers recounted watching something similar on Animal Planet.

Exhausted from the day, I was ecstatic to see Boyfriend when I got home. Now, I had just absorbed a shit ton of Mustard and Onion artificial flavor, which in hindsight should have been a red flag for me to keep my mouth shut until I got near some mouth wash. But I remained blissfully unaware, ignoring those flags like the pile of unopened envelopes on my kitchen table from something called the DWP. When I finally saw Boyfriend, I jumped all over him, kissed him a bunch of times, and told him all about my day, much to his utmost horror. Looking back, I can recognize the signs of him turning his head away from me every time I spoke, subtly trying to hide his gagging, and generally keeping a distance of at least fifteen feet from me. But in the moment, I was content to exhale my toxic fumes all over the place.

That night we walked to Ralph’s together and while I browsed the aisles, picking out the items from our grocery list, he zoomed to the check out. When we met up again, I had our groceries and he had one thing: tic-tacs. “Why did you get tic-tacs?” I inquired. “Those weren’t on the list.” “Because…………” Boyfriend is bad at making excuses. “Because?” “Just……..because.” “Uh, okay.” As we walked home, he produced the tic-tacs and ate one. He offered me a handful. “Want some?” He was holding at least six in his hand. “Why? Do I have bad breath or something?” “Uh……..” It was then the night flashed before my eyes. The avoiding, the head-turning, the gagging. “Wait. I DO have bad breath?!” I was mortified. How could I not see it? Mustard and fucking Onion?! I don’t even know why that flavor exists! The only time someone would need Mustard and Onion simultaneously is if they were a hot dog in desperate need of condiments. I hate-spiraled the rest of the way back, convinced that there was no longer a situation in the future where Boyfriend could find me sexy. Not after he smelled my lovely aroma reminiscent of raccoons diarrheaing in a garbage can. When we returned I brushed my teeth so many times my gums started bleeding, which only made my appearance more disgusting (“Love me” I cried as blood poured out of my mouth, or something like that). Luckily for me, Boyfriend has forgotten about the whole incident and we’ve moved on (I think the sharp blow to his head I administered to induce short term memory loss helped).

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Anal Sex…It Happened

Let me begin by saying that people are free to do whatever they want to do and I will not judge them for enjoying, as a friend put it, “taking it up the poop chute”. If that’s what you’re into, I totally support you for being you and enjoying your chosen recreational activities. But I can certainly judge myself, and I’m judging hardcore. I’m judging myself mostly for being very unprepared. Apparently, there is physical preparation to fully enjoy the anal sex experience (if you cringed while reading that I guarantee I cringed way worse while writing that). Like lube, and stretching, or something like that. I don’t know and I don’t care to google the details right now. There is also mental preparation. This involves thinking really hard about whether this is actually something you want to do. Here is an example thought you may want to have before doing the dirty: Do I really want someone up in the place I just excreted last night’s tacos? Now that I am an older, more mature person, I can definitively say, “No, I would like the path last night’s tacos took to remain unmolested by foreign objects.” But that’s now and I’m talking about then.

I’m talking about the Carly who decided with her boyfriend that doing it from behind would be a big turn on and, well, the rest of the story is incredibly painful to hear, but probably not as painful as it was for me to get an anal-sphincter-full of some guy’s dick. It felt like reverse constipation. I don’t even know if that makes sense, but that’s what it felt like. Maybe it’d be clearer to say it felt like I was birthing a baby out of my asshole. Or maybe that was just a more disgusting way to convey what I was feeling at that moment. Perhaps the worst part was that I was on someone’s couch when it happened. Not even my own couch. Which, now that I think about it, was probably for the best. I don’t know how the guy felt, but years later I have discovered that I have an apparently pretty hairy butthole, so it couldn’t have been that great for him either. The view was most likely akin to a bathroom sink drain after it has been clogged by a million hairs. By now, you’re already flooded with odious mental images at this point, so I’ll just finish you off by saying that afterwards I had painful diarrhea.

They say college is a time for experimentation. I think I can confidently say I experimented and my laboratory is now animal-cruelty-free and will no longer accept hypotheses dealing with objects entering assholes.

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Sticks and Stones will Break My Bones and Also Words Are the Worst :(

I’m sensitive. Really fucking sensitive. Like, if someone critiques my work in a non-professional environment (i.e. random troll from internet/my ex-boyfriend’s aunt) I get all sweaty and shaky. I can clearly recognize my sensitivity problem, and yet when someone points it out to me I want to simultaneously cry a thousand tears and rip their face off (a perfect example of being too sensitive). Let us observe some more examples of my off-the-charts sensitivity.

  • When I got my driver’s license at 16, my picture was beyond horrible (still is actually, since I never changed it). I look 10x tanner than I am, which would be good for some people, but for me it made me look, as one friend put it, “like a wood person. You know, like you’re from a race of people made out of wood”. The flash of the camera caused a diamond-shaped white blotch on my forehead, giving me the resemblance of a Palomino horse. My hair is unbrushed and I’m wearing a “Wicked” shirt (which most people think is on purpose but in reality was a result of not looking at my clothes when I put them on). When my sister and mom got hold of my license, they laughed so hard they started crying. I was crying for an entirely different reason. Please see the picture below and promise not to blackmail me.

Drivers License

  • I recently asked my boyfriend if I was “high maintenance, medium maintenance, or low maintenance”. Clearly fishing for a “low maintenance”, I received a “low-to-high maintenance”, which in hindsight totally isn’t that bad. But instead, I gasped and punched him in the nipple and he said “You’re kind of proving my point” and then I was upset the rest of the night.
  • I decided to tell my dad the plot of the first screenplay I had ever written (which took me months of work), and after I had finished, he said, “You know what would be even better? If in the end the guy actually had committed the murder”. By writing off the entire third act of my first screenplay (which, yes, is terrible), I could barely suppress my tears-slash-anger at my father. What sucked even more was that even though I was in school for this exact thing and he had never taken a single class, therefore giving me an air of superiority, I liked his freaking ending better than the one I had. I don’t really remember exactly how I reacted, but I guarantee it wasn’t a jolly ol’ “Thanks for the feedback, Pops.”

I could give you 8 million more examples of me being overly sensitive, ESPECIALLY in relationships (I have no idea how Boyfriend puts up with me). And while I want to get better at this in my personal life, I need to get better at it in my professional life. The more people that read my blog, the more opinions there are about it. While a lot of them are very positive, we all know that everyone has opinions and some of them are negative and even valid. So, my goal for 2015 (particularly because I want to be in a profession that depends on public feedback) is to accept legitimate criticisms with an air of maturity. And for the people who put me down just to be a troll, well… I’m going to work on not give a flying fuck what the aunt of my ex-boyfriend thinks about the fact that I curse.

EDIT: I asked my sister to read this post and give me feedback and she said in a complete deadpan, “It’s fine.””That’s it? Just, ‘It’s fine’? Things you liked, didn’t like?” “There’s not much I can say. It’s just fine. Remember, taking criticism!” She said that last part with the most in-your-face-shit-eating-grin and I now want to rip my hair out. Clearly this is a work in progress.

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