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The Third Most Traumatizing Event To Ever Happen to Me Happened Last Week

Man Friend (from here on out I’ll refer to him as Monkey JUST BECAUSE) and I recently adopted a cat. It took me three months to convince him it was a good idea, and he finally came around due to the persistence of me, his friends, and the gun I put to his head. He agreed, but not without conditions, first and foremost: the cat will not be allowed on our bed lest we inhale cat fur while we sleep (or he rolls over the cat at night). By our cat’s (Theo) second night at home, Monkey was sitting on the bed trying to coax Theo to jump up and cuddle, all his previous conditions promptly thrown out the window. They’ve been pretty good friends ever since, and to my extreme disgust I think Theo likes Monkey more than he likes me.

After Theo had been home for one day, we discovered his favorite place in our apartment was the windowsill. (It should be noted we adopted him on one of the hottest weekends in Los Angeles, and the poor guy was panting and slightly afraid after we trained four fans on him). We went around our apartment and closed every window where the screens weren’t secure considering we were on the second floor. After one terrifying day where it reached 105 in our apartment, we decided to open some windows that we normally keep closed so Theo could hopefully not die.

Let me set the scene. It’s night. Our entirely black cat has blended into the window screen so we don’t notice he’s there until we’re in bed. I inquire, “Isn’t that a window we usually keep closed?” Beat. Then Monkey and I both jump up to grab Theo, which causes him to jerk backwards in surprise, and then he’s gone. There’s a quiet moment where our hearts drop out of our butts and Monkey sticks his head out the window and then everything happens at once. I literally start sobbing the contents of the Pacific Ocean repeating, “Is he okay? Is he okay?” Monkey says he thinks he saw Theo take a step, and then we both bolt downstairs. I’m still sobbing (“Isheokayisheokayisheokay”) while Monkey runs barefoot over the loose gravel to grab our cat. He retrieves Theo and holds him to his chest and I can’t really see him and we run upstairs and collapse on the floor in a big heap and that’s when Monkey starts crying too. Now we’re both a big sobbing mess and Theo seems fine, if not a little shocked. He slowly starts to regain his senses, realizes these sniveling humans are holding him too tight, bites Monkey’s hands and runs to his food bowl. We make sure he’s not limping and shower him with treats and for the rest of the night we’re pretty much traumatized. We watch Bob’s Burgers to decompress, and worry the rest of the night that we’re terrible, irresponsible cat parents who should have cat social services called on us. We close every window in the house while sobbing and wishing ourselves into Cat Hell, all the while Theo is licking his balls like nothing happened.

Because I am an unabashed cat lady, here are cat pics:

Theo's first night home. He immediately went to the windowsill.

Theo’s first night home. He immediately went to the windowsill.

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Theo sleeping on the windowsill. I KNOW I’M BIASED BUT HE’S SO CUTE.

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