My OKCupid Profile, for Your Amusement

Disclaimer: Hello again! I’ve been MIA for a while, but I’m now unemployed and therefore very capable of posting every week. Plus I missed your anonymous faces.

While I was on OkCupid, I had this deep fear that someone I knew would come across my profile. Not because I was embarrassed to be on OkCupid, but because I didn’t want them to see what I looked like in desperate “I hope you find me attractive” mode (ew, gross). In person, both in dating and platonic situations, I feel like I come across as fairly normal, nice, and reserved. If you met me in person you probably wouldn’t guess that a peen has touched my b-hole. On the internet though, probably because of the anonymity, I come across as a crazy, self-deprecating, loud-mouthed motherfucker who has definitely had her b-hole breached by a peen.

This does not translate well to online dating. Not surprisingly, I’m bad at selling myself as someone you could potentially see as a date. My self-deprecating sensibility combined with my concerning habit of telling the world about my most embarrassing, horrific moments hasn’t snagged me a bunch of winners. Case-in-point, the OkCupid profile I crafted last year. Then-Carly thought this thing was a fucking piece of genius. Now-Carly is slightly wiser.

I present to you my annotated OkCupid profile, which was written with the actual belief that it would attract normal, wonderful human beings.

OKCupid Profile_Annotated

Brought to you by OkCupid and a year of being single.

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4 thoughts on “My OKCupid Profile, for Your Amusement

  1. laugraeva says:

    That’s brilliant.
    On my okcupid for the self-summary, I wrote “I’m more wintery than summary.”
    I think only I have found that amusing.

  2. leftoverkumquats says:

    As I would never have seen your OKC profile so there was no reason to include me – clearly your self conscious put me on that list for more reasons that just being cute. That is my arm chair analysis.

    Tracy unearthed a dating profile I made in what I believe was 9th or 10th grade (I actually have no recollection of making this profile but the wording was disturbingly legitimately me). I’m not sure how she found it or why the hell I was on a dating website at that age – or ever considering my basically nonexistent motivations to willingly meet other people, not to mention people with the explicit intent that I may allow them to touch me.

    Ha! That ice cream comment was very honest.

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