The Pooping Code

 My parents must have messed up somewhere along the line because both my sister and I hate to poop. It was worse for my sister than it was for me (though I’ve plugged my fair share of toilets). When she was a toddler, she actually had to routinely get that thing that goes up your butt (an enema?) because she would hold her poop in for so long (like, a week), and when she finally gathered the courage to let it go, it was this giant elephant poop that had to be removed from the toilet by a parent because there was no way that thing was fitting down the pipe. Maybe it was my weekly experience eating prunes with my sister to coax her colon that led to a very unhealthy relationship with pooping.

To this day, my sister (we’ll call her Squiggy) and I have a Pooping Code. It’s as follows:

  1. Never poop in a public restroom. Pooping in a public place is akin to killing a baby rabbit with your bare hands. You don’t do it unless it’s absolutely necessary to your survival. If pooping in a public restroom is inevitable, remember these guidelines:
    1. Find a restroom that is far removed from all civilization. Squiggy used to walk across her college campus in the dead of winter, through snow and sleet, to reach the one vacant bathroom
    2. Wait until the entire bathroom is clear of all people
    3. If someone walks into the bathroom during the poop, said poop will immediately be sucked back up
    4. If there’s no avoiding c), cough loudly and jangle the toilet paper to cover all pooping noises
    5. Go as fast as your body will allow; long disappearances to a bathroom immediately alert everyone and anyone that you just pooped. It’s best to go at a time when everyone is preoccupied, like during the Super Bowl or a state emergency
  2. If you are sharing a hotel room with someone and you never get the room to yourself, wait to poop until you have to shower. When you enter the bathroom, let the shower run and then poop. This should cover up all suspicions of pooping and any noises that may occur. Negative side effects: You will be directly contributing to the drought
  3. The Poop and Swoop (Squiggy’s signature move): To avoid poop water splashing onto you, immediately lift your buttocks up after the poop drops
  4. Never admit to clogging the toilet. EVER. It doesn’t matter how many times you’ve done it (a lot). NEVER admit to it. (I once stayed at an Ex’s house and held the poop in so long that I inevitably clogged the toilet…which flooded the bathroom. It was obviously me, but I never admitted to it. I just ignored it until his friends got tired of making fun of me for it).
  5. If there is absolutely no way to poop without people knowing, you must hold the poop until the opportunity presents itself. This could be days. (I tried pooping at Boyfriend’s, but knowing that he was the only other person in the apartment made it impossible for me. When I came back out and said, “I can’t”, he asked, “So it’s just gonna stay in there all night? Where will it go?!”)
  6. If you are pooping at home, take as long as you want and ignore any family member who tries to rush you

While the code still remains, I am getting better about overcoming my fear of pooping. The other day, I even managed to poop at Boyfriend’s apartment while he was still there! And knew I was doing it! He gave me a high-five after I was done (and had washed my hands).

And that’s probably more than you ever wanted to know about me and my relationship with poop.


One thought on “The Pooping Code

  1. […] discovered it was empty, which is great because otherwise I couldn’t have carried out step 1 (see this post for a detailed list of my pooping conditions). I slipped into the stall and settled in, elated at […]

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