When I first start dating someone, I try to be on my best behavior. I shave my legs every day instead of every two weeks, I pretend to eat all the food groups instead of just pizza, ice cream, and cookies, and I act like I’m normally a good person by always giving homeless people money. It’s not until two months later when all the weird quirks and habits feel comfortable enough to expose themselves (it only took one month for me to stop trying and start exclusively wearing sweatpants around Boyfriend). Luckily for me, Boyfriend turned out to be just as weird as I am. Now that we’ve been dating two months, I’ve discovered: he frequently snapchats me while he poops, he constantly has the hiccups, he sneezes so loud I’m pretty sure he caused the 5.3 earthquake, and, minor detail, he loves to pretend-assassinate me.
I discovered the latter when he snuck up behind me one night, stabbed an invisible dagger into my back, and held my head as he whispered, “Sh sh sh”. Then he kissed my cheek. While some couples get massages together or ride tandem bikes, Boyfriend and I try to murder each other. One of his favorites is to use a katana (Samurai sword) to slash my face while whispering into my ear, “You will shed tears of scarlet” (and though I’ve argued several times that I’m not sure how this would actually kill me, he does it anyway). Now that I know the Assassination Game exists, I’ve taken to walking around his apartment with my back against the wall to avoid any attacks, which has just made the kills more unexpected. Not one to be left out, I tried my own methods of sneaking up and killing him, and I won’t get into detail but I suck at it.
After several failed assassination attempts on Boyfriend, I finally had the perfect chance to bury a knife in his back once and for all (this is clearly a healthy relationship). The apartment was dark, he thought I was asleep…it was a perfect storm. Huddled in his giant sweatshirt and sweatpants, I tip-toed down the hallway and hid behind the door to the bathroom. (On a side note, whenever I’m hiding from someone, I always have to pee. Like really bad. It’s a problem). The light in the bathroom turned off and the door creaked open. My heart was pounding and my bladder was bursting with anticipation. I stifled a giggle as Boyfriend stepped out and I jumped at him, my fist poised with my weapon of choice – an invisible kitchen knife. Without a moment’s hesitation, his hands shot out in front of him and he shoved me so hard I flew into the wall. Apparently, when Boyfriend is taken by surprise, some sort of sleeper-agent-military-training-self-defense shit takes place and he goes into full-on protector mode. Which is great if the apartment ever gets broken into. But it sucks when you’re trying to scare him in an innocent game of Assassination. It took about five seconds (way too long for a normal person, in my humble opinion) for him to realize that it was me under the bulky sweatshirt. Then the apologies started flowing. It’s a miracle I didn’t pee my pants. Even though I’m now forced to restrain myself lest I take the risk of actually getting murdered in self-defense, I’m glad I found someone as weird as I am. Although if he reads this blog, I’ll probably be single again (if you ARE reading, I promise I always give money to the homeless and eat my vegetables on the daily).