Two nights ago I experienced a milestone for any writer when I chatted with my first hater. I joined OkCupid because now that I’m publicly sad and alone I thought why the hell not. I threw together a profile that made it clear I don’t take myself seriously (I first answered the question “What are you good at?” with “Blowjobs” before I realized people may not know I’m joking) and only an hour later I had a message from RainyDayRed. I’m using his real username because I don’t give a shit about privacy when the person I should be protecting is a scrotum sucking cunt nugget.
Red messages me with the standard hi/how are you/what do you do and I’m pretty much giving my cat a smug wink because it only took me an hour to reel one in. Then Red tells me I’m “too normal. Like boring normal.” Well, that’s fine. I try to make light of the situation. “It’s true. Scientists have studied my normality and been amazed that one person could be THAT normal.” To which Red asked, “Do you think you’re funny?” And even though I knew where this was going the only two answers I could think of were Yes and No. And I said No. “That’s good.” He typed. “I hope your screenplays aren’t as desperate as you are. It’s not a good look for you.” Now, here’s the amazing thing; we were chatting via the internet, which can fabulously be shut off by a multitude of methods: turning off chat, quitting out of Safari, smashing my computer to bits so it never works again…I did none of these things. Instead, I made dumb joke after dumb joke, which gave him all the more fodder to destroy everything I had ever mentally built up. I kept trying for the last word, but it was never good enough. It was like watching a horror movie when the girl walks towards the dark closet and the audience is screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T DO IT” but she does it anyway because she has insecurity issues and is almost grateful to find that one person who tells her the thing she’s feared deep down all along: that she’s not funny. I think I’m confusing my similes.
After I absorbed enough of his “You wasted 40gs at USC to not be funny” I came out with my closing line. I angrily typed, “All joking aside, you have a great night” and quit out of chat. Oh boy, did I tell him! He probably went home and cried after that one. But seriously. Literally anything would have been better than that. That was something Mr. Rogers would say if the puppet Mr. McFeely snapped at him. I’ve had three-year-old children give better comebacks than “Have a great night.” I stewed over RainyDayRed’s opinions and my terrible attempt at a comeback and it got to critical mass where I almost drove to McDonald’s to stress eat a Sausage McGriddle, because that fixes everything. Knowing I would never be able to forgive myself for doing that, I stopped and told myself to remember all the people who had ever laughed at something I said or wrote, or told me I was funny. And in reality, those people FAR outweigh RainyDayRed. And they would totally curb stomp him in a fight for me. I stress ate cinnamon raisin bread toast anyway (I take any excuse to eat junk food) and only later thought of what I should’ve said: “Joke’s on you, RainyDayRed, because if you weren’t an asshole I would’ve gone on a date with you and I may be normal over chat but I’m super weird in bed and it would’ve changed your life. But you fucked up because you’re a dick.” Hindsight’s 20/20.