After I left the apple store, I texted Cute Apple Guy and thanked him for fixing my phone. He suggested we go out that night and I agreed. He first offered we go to his house so he could fix my computer (I could practically hear my mom screaming SERIAL KILLER in my ear), so instead we settled for coffee. I hate coffee. In the hours before the date, I paced, spent at least an hour trying not to talk myself out of it, stressed about what would happen if we had nothing in common, and finally downed some Apple Schnapps because that’s pretty much all I can drink without gagging. I get really nervous before dates. Cute Apple Guy picked me up from my house around 9 (to which my mom texted “He knows where you live?! I’ll help you move”). The conversation was flowing (in part due to my slight inebriation), and things seemed to be going well. About ten minutes into the drive, he casually put a hand on my leg. I hate touching. When someone touches me, I become hypersensitive, tense, and weirded out. Massages leave me with more tension than when I started. But, combined with my sensitivity to others’ embarrassment when told they’re doing something I don’t like, I kept my mouth shut and endured his hand the rest of the drive. Luckily, it didn’t travel up any further.
At the café, I ordered an iced tea and Cute Apple Guy ordered an espresso in one of those mini cups. I had to stifle giggles because the cup is just so tiny. And he’s a full grown man. I barely had any of my iced tea because I hate eating/drinking on first dates and knew if I drank it all I would have to pee later and I didn’t want to go pee on a date so I would hold it until I got home and my bladder would explode. I have issues. By this point, I had launched into some anecdote about my job when Cute Apple guy interrupted my speech and went for the kiss. It wasn’t a tepid first kiss; his tongue was on the hunt for my uvula, which meant he had now violated three different pet peeves: touching, kissing in public, and violent French kissing. I scooted backwards, acutely aware of the patrons around us, and he scooted with me, putting his hands all over me and tasting the back of my throat. When he finally withdrew, I awkwardly tried to resume my anecdote that was so rudely interrupted. He put his arms around me and, anticipating a muscle spasm if I kept letting him fondle me, I sputtered how I think I had some childhood issues because I don’t like to be touched, which made it sound like I was abused as a kid. He smiled and responded, “I could tell. You were kind of twitching the whole time I was kissing you.” Why did you keep kissing me then?! I didn’t say that out loud. Instead, I laughed and kept my mouth shut, hoping we could carry on a hands-free conversation.
I was wrong to hope. Despite the fact that he knew I was uncomfortable when he kissed me AND that I had acknowledged it and said I didn’t like it, the rest of the night I couldn’t get him off me. At one point he was biting my arm WHICH I HATE while I was politely trying to maintain a semblance of a conversation. I kept thinking about the patrons of this fine coffee establishment watching a girl talk to herself about her childhood while a guy made out with her upper arm. He legitimately spoke the words, “I could impregnate your arm.” I sure know how to pick ‘em! At the end of the night when he finally dropped me off, he got out of the car, kissed me goodbye, and ignored my eye twitch.
The next day I was trying to decide whether or not to go on a second date with him. Con: I hated everything about the first date. Pro: he was cute and 28 and had tattoos and spoke four different languages. Con: every single one of my friends thought he sounded like a rapist. The most important pro of all: I still had a broken laptop and he offered free laptop repair. Luckily, I didn’t have to waffle back and forth too much when Cute Apple Guy made up my mind for me. The very next day, (we had known each other less than 48 hours by this point) he texted me asking for a “sexy” picture. A) I’m terrible at “sexy” pictures. They look like Urkel doing duck face. B) Just no. I texted him back “Nope” and he responded with a compelling argument that consisted solely of a frowny face. After I noped him several times, he texted me a shirtless picture of himself, awkwardly trying to pose in a seductive position. I immediately burst into laughter and felt simultaneously insanely embarrassed for him. Our potential officially ended when I made an appointment the next day to get my laptop fixed at the apple store. On the plus side, the Apple Genius who fixed my laptop was super cute…