If my family had an advice column, it would be called Punk’D

Advice My Sister Gave Me:

“Shaving the hair around your nipples could result in shaving your nipples off.” To this day, I don’t know if she was serious or joking, but I’m not taking the chance.

Advice My Grandma Gave Me:

 “Always wear clean underwear.” And it’s not for the reason you think. No, my grandma insisted on clean underwear because you never know when you’ll have to go to the hospital and they need to take off your clothes and you can save yourself the embarrassment of having dirty underwear. I can only assume this happened to her in a scarring incident, and the nurses never let her forget it.

Advice my Mom still Gives Me:

“Men are lecherous.” Pretty much on all occasions, but specifically I should be aware that if I network with a male, he is trying to get in my pants. Men are the devil and will try to take advantage of you, no exceptions (okay, if he’s gay that’s fine. Go to town).

Advice My Dad Gave Me:

 “Women shave their arms.” My parents are divorced, so going through puberty called for asking my dad puberty questions that I couldn’t ask my mom at the time. For example, one day I asked him if women shave their arms (not armpits, but actually the hair from wrist to shoulder). I was especially concerned since my hairy dad gifted me with gorilla arms. When I asked, he replied yes, because there’s nothing better than watching your hormonal, confused preteen fail at puberty. The next day, he noticed my newly shaved arms, burst out laughing, and exclaimed, “I can’t believe you actually did it!” I hate my family.

Advice My Grandpa Gave Me:

 “Never slam a car door, or prepare to incur the wrath of Zoltan.” I think this one’s pretty self-explanatory, don’t you think?

 Conclusion: My family should never have an advice column. And yet, I do have the smoothest arms in the room.

Advertisements
Tagged , , , ,

4 thoughts on “If my family had an advice column, it would be called Punk’D

  1. verbalspew says:

    My grandmother told me to always wear matching underwear, for the exact same reasons as yours, just in case I get hit by a bus or something and end up in the hospital. 😀

  2. You were double fucked on the arm advice because you KNOW once you shave the virgin hair off its decedents grow back faster and darker from there on out.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: