When it comes to womanly maintenance, I’m below average. I’m a D+ at grooming the extra bits and pieces of hair that explode from my body at every possible cranny. My father blessed me with the wonderful in-hair-itance of hobbit toes, stubborn-as-hell leg hair, and I dare not go further up the body lest I lose both readers and friends. As a single woman, I could beat out the Abominable Snowman in a Hairiest Leg competition. Now don’t get me wrong, I’ll shave my legs if the situation to wear shorts is absolutely necessary. But if I can get away with wearing pants and flaunting my yeti legs in the comfort of my own home, I’ll do it in a heartbeat. I’ve had too many awkward experiences with shaving to commit to the foam-and-razor ritual daily. Like that one time I accidentally shaved one leg twice instead of each leg once. It wasn’t until my sister inquired if my newest way of rebelling was to keep one leg hairy and the other smooth that I noticed the mistake.
I recently visited my mom’s and in a not-so-subtle gesture she offered me Nair, a Lotion Hair Removal Thingy™. I ignored her passive aggressive message and accepted the Nair, boggled by the fact that a lotion-like substance could remove hair. Eager to see if Nair could really conquer my Spartan warrior leg hairs, I tried the product that night. The instructions advised rubbing Nair all over your legs and keeping it on for at most ten minutes. About a minute after I slathered my legs, I started to feel a slight burning sensation (apparently Nair isn’t magic; just chemicals). Damn you, men. Ladies literally burn off hair with strange chemicals just so you will love us and our seal legs.
Rather than freak out by the fact that I was burning my skin, I waited longer than the ten minutes to ensure my hair sizzled off. I know my leg hair. They’re a tough lot to beat. As I waited, I envisioned the tough bastards starring in a version of 300, with the Nair-Persians slaughtering the Spartan hair follicles in an epic battle of Nair vs. Hair. When the timer went off, I slowly rinsed off the Nair, careful not to accidentally take some skin with it. Lo and behold, my legs were as smooth as a dolphin’s underbelly. I sat on the floor for about seven minutes, stroking my newly born legs. I don’t think my legs had seen the light of day without being obscured by hair follicles since I hit puberty.
The next morning I woke up and immediately went for my legs…only to be greeted by prickly follicles of evil. Not even science can cure my Satan hair. Alas, I don’t have the time, energy, patience, or insanity to use Nair every night. If I did, I don’t think I would have skin left. I guess I’m resigned to either becoming a hippie or dating a guy who’s really into hobbits.