Most people look at me and think I’m a freshman in high school, or a mature eighth grader. This would be flattering if I was in sixth grade. I’m a senior in college. Looking this young has many disadvantages. For example: Bouncers and bartenders threaten to call my parents and/or the cops for using a fake at such a young age, Costco employees refuse to give me samples without parental supervision, and cops routinely pull me over to make sure I have my learners permit. While these instances can be nuisances, getting stuck in a preteen’s body at 20-years-old can have its perks. For instance, I get kids meals at restaurants without receiving accusatory glares, people think I’m very smart for such a young age, and I get almost anything I want when I start to cry.
The other day, I experienced an advantage to looking thirteen that I had never experienced before. I was walking past a Denny’s in downtown LA when a group of ten-year-old boys strolled past. These weren’t just any boys. They strutted around like they owned all of downtown, proudly skateboarding in a no-skateboard zone like it ain’t nobody’s business. In one of those awkward moments where I get caught staring at strangers, I made eye contact with what I presumed to be the leader of the pack. I quickly turned away and kept walking. A few steps later I heard, “Hey.” I turned around. This punk kid nodded his head in my direction, winked, and topped it off with a little finger gun action. After he holstered the finger gun, he and his buds resumed their mission of conquering the world, one wink at a time. A ten-year-old unwittingly hit on a senior in college, thinking he was aiming for merely a grade or two above him. He has a bigger sack of nuts than he’ll ever know. You might think I rolled my eyes, or cursed my youthful and pimply face. But you should know by now I’m much more messed up than your normal human. Instead, I blushed. I was flattered. Like a thirteen-year-old hit on by the most popular boy in school, I stifled a giggle and walked on clouds the rest of the day. I’ve been single far too long, and because of it I’m going to pedophile hell.