Observations on Porn for Men, as Observed by a Woman

 I was channel surfing and randomly came across a porn channel. And when I say “randomly” I mean I was looking for it, goddamnit, girls can watch porn too! What resulted was not only the greatest turn-off I’ve ever seen, but perhaps the most fun I’ve had mocking a TV show since my sister and I became hooked on Legend of the Seeker.

The program starts with a man who my mother would have glanced at and labeled with an omniscient shrug, “Gay.” He’s wearing a button up t-shirt that’s unbuttoned to show off his tanned abs, no doubt the kind he shows off at the gym he frequents to try and pick up guys. Gay Porn Man is on the beach, and out of all the things he could be doing in this porn, he’s playing the saxophone. Playing the saxophone! I had to double-check the adult rating to make sure this wasn’t a special edition of “pleasure for jazz players”. It wasn’t. So Gay Porn Man is blowing away on his saxophone on the beach (he’s not bad!) when this woman strides up in a flowy, beachy dress with boobs spilling out and the whole shebang. And boy is she turned on by a gay man playing the saxophone.

Beach Lady takes Gay Porn Man by the hand (he looks slightly confused – are we going shopping?) and next thing you know they’re in the bedroom. Beach Lady begins to slowly undress herself, and Gay Porn Man looks very unsure of himself. I imagine he was thinking something along the lines of, Do you want me to tell you if your boobs look real? Because honey, they look faker than when I pretended to play the saxophone. Beach Lady plows on, despite Gay Porn Man’s hesitations, and before you know it, she’s going down on Gay Porn Man. His face betrays that he is slightly disgusted with himself for letting a woman touch his privates, but then he warms up to the whole situation when he realizes it really doesn’t matter who touches his penis when it feels this good.

After a blowing that could make any saxophonist jealous, the two reluctant lustbirds fall onto the beach-themed covers to make awkward gay-straight sex. The cherry on the top – the saxophone is resting on the bed with them. I can only assume it was later incorporated in a sex act titled “The Kenny G-Spot”.

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One thought on “Observations on Porn for Men, as Observed by a Woman

  1. Nice little add-on to the end there. I like it.

    Cinemax porn is an interesting beast. I mean, you just can’t not watch The Devil Wears Nada or Alabama Jones and the Busty Crusaders. It’s too good to pass up.

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