Talking Dirty Sucks Balls

This guy (I’m not allowed to say Boyfriend because he’s scared of relationships and oh god why do I do this to myself) is doing whatever it is guys do during sex. Honestly, I was thinking about what episode of Modern Family I missed and trying to ignore the lump squirming on top of me when I heard, “Hey.” I shook out of my reverie and looked up at his sex face looming over me. You know, sex face. Those half-lidded eyes, mouth wide open (anyone else constantly paranoid of drool?), face with an expression of animal ecstasy. “Hey. Talk to me.” I was thrown for a second. What should I talk about? I could tell him about the last episode of Modern Family I remember (dangit, was that the finale or not?). Ooh, I could tell him about that good thing I did today when I gave a homeless woman five dollars! Hey, this is actually kind of nice. I was starting to feel like we didn’t talk – Thrust. “C’mon, talk to me.” And then it hit me. Or rather, penetrated me. Oh. He wants me to talk dirty. So I gave it a go. I really did. Gave it the ol’ college try. “Um…your penis is so large.” I regretted it as soon as it rolled off the tongue. I could immediately hear that horrible tone of voice that sometimes happens to me when I’m trying to sound sincere but it comes off super sarcastic. Hoping I could smooth over that last one with something else, I blurted out, “Oh yeah, thrust deeper.” Thrust deeper? This was starting to sound like the cheap erotica my mom hides in her underwear drawer. And oh my god this is actually turning him on. “Fuck me [snicker] harder.” Yeah, I laughed. The worst thing to do during dirty talk second only to queefing (see post below). I couldn’t stop the giggles. I kept thinking this is what Chelsea Handler must sound like during dirty talk. Complete deadpan. And the guy? Kept plowing on while I bit my lip to stifle the giggles. I like to think he was being polite.

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