A Dear John to French Kissing

How I feel when you stick your tongue down my throat:

Like you’re participating in a contest to see whose tongue is the longest.

Like you’re trying to jam your hormones into my body.

Like a slippery alien tentacle is probing me for answers to life on Earth.

Like I can’t eat within 24 hours of kissing or your tongue will seek out the pasta yet to be digested.

Like I’m in the doctor’s office when he checks my gag reflex by shoving a tongue depressor down my throat.

Like if you go any further you might touch my tonsils, and if that happens I don’t think I can look you in the face again.

Like I’m constantly moving away from you as you kiss me.

Like I didn’t know my uvula was ticklish until I met you.

Like I’m worried if I swallow while we make out, I will swallow your tongue.

Like this relationship really isn’t going to work out if you can’t control that thing.

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2 thoughts on “A Dear John to French Kissing

  1. beanie says:

    You took my thoughts on french kissing and put them on paper… I mean, in your blog.

    Also – you’re hilarious and I couldn’t help but follow your blog. Can’t wait to read more!

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